Learning how to make better choices

Words… are more than we can say. A little while ago I made a vow to reach to the highest grounds, to be deserving of the purest form of love humanly possible and I worked hard on myself, I meditated and found an internal peace I could not even dare to try describing in words. All I know is that this time it felt good, really good. One day, I stepped out of my cave, to explore a little bit of this so called dating life which I had for a while grown wearied.

My senses were dull. I was utterly tired of men and their incessant ego driven desires.  All I wanted was to find a place of strength within myself. I wanted to make better choices, but how could I train my heart to be attracted to a good man? How could I train myself to feel good about something anything that was not, in one way or the other, utterly destructive? How could I recognize a liar? I certainly knew that I no longer found lure in some otherwise fascinating  events.  I was experiencing a glimpse of spiritual maturity. I also came to understand  that at times the costume of telling lies is so deepen embroiled in a human mind  that one begins a process of believing their own lies. Thus the nature of the journey.  This pseudo truth is the biggest lie that we can possibly tell, and the most dangerous because it is so well disguised that even the angels would have to think twice before it sinks in for what truly it is. And it always start with us, wanting so desperately “make it stop” the neurosis, the pain.  How would we recognize this pattern in ourselves/others (all the same really)?  Observe. Pay attention. Listen to your intuition.

I recently met a charming man. He sounded like a dream. Everything about this man was enticing to my senses: From the way he looked to his touch, voice, smell, depth. I waited 30 some years to hear those words from a man, and it seemed like he had read my mind and memorized each one of them and he knew exactly when and how to tell me. Well that alone, seemed to me a good enough reason to find out more about this charming creature who took me out of my cave and asexual stage and brought me this curiosity to explore passion and love from a whole different perspective. But… was it that different from the last guy? really? No It was not.

This man was nothing less than a manifestation of my own self, a projection of this new ground I acquired through my spiritual work. In truth. The gift was not him, but what I made out of it. Suddenly every beautiful word I heard came back to haunt me. One day he was the man of my dreams, the other he was gone to explore a new adventure, nothing I could do about that… so what to do now?

Here is the scoop. It will take much work to manifest what we think we want, it will take wanting it. I got exactly what I asked for, and that was a gift because I asked for an opportunity to make a better choice and I used it wisely this time, instead of getting into questioning myself, my worth, my doings, as soon as it felt wrong, I chose to disengage. While the gift to me was not the grace of a charming  husband it was indeed a much better one, at least for now, I am learning how to make my life a drama-free arena, where ONLY great things are allowed to remain, ONLY the peace that comes from knowing intuitively can stay, there is room ONLY to the very  best, positive and divine… the rest has to go and it will go FAST.

There will be a time when the option of taking a painful road will simply be nonexistent. Meeting you “J” was a prove that I am not there yet, or I would have walked away to the sound of your first overly dramatic and needy phone message, however meeting you gave me the chance to take my arm away before the sickness could be injected into my veins, and for that I will be always grateful.